Author Topic: Darkness  (Read 1869 times)

Offline Erica

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Darkness
« on: March 01, 2009, 12:22:10 pm »
here's a story i wrote recently....any feedback would be wondrous


    The teen-aged girl sat on a bench in the middle of the park. Her long hair hid her face from view as she sat writing in a large spiral notebook. People passed by without a single glance at her.  No one seemed to even notice her existence. Or at least, so she thought.

    What a perfect target, the man thought.

    From his hiding spot in the bushes, he watched her silently.

    A stick cracked loudly and the girl looked up, startled out of her reverie. Her cheaply dyed black hair fell out of her face. The feeling of being watched overwhelmed her.

    From the bushes a squirrel scampered out and up a tree. The girl relaxed and went back to writing in her notebook.

    Thank God for that squirrel, I thought that I would be seen and that would ruin everything that I have planned, the man thought.

    Waiting for the darkness of the night to fall and for the girl to get up, was one of the hardest things that the man had ever done. It didn't help that if he moved an inch, the bush would move or a stick would crack and the girl would look up again. Panic engulfed him every time that she looked in his direction. He silently pleaded to whatever being looked on in favor on him, that he wouldn't be seen. The only way that he could be seen was from the bench if you looked at just the right angle. But his luck seemed to hold and she didn't see him.

    When it finally became too dark to see to write, the girl got up and started walking down the path to the more secluded part of the park.

    The man didn't know why she was headed in that direction.

    Didn't young girls know not to wander off alone after dark? he wondered to himself.

    It could be that there were more lights there so she could continue writing or maybe she lived on the other side of the park. Honestly, he didn't know but it was working to his advantage. He just had to make his move carefully when the opportunity presented itself.

   Ahead of him, the girl stumbled over a root and fell, dropping her notebook and sending her pencil flying.

    A chance like that, he thought and smiled inwardly.

    The man walked towards the girl with a look of concern on his face. Picking up her notebook and pencil, he asked, "Are you alright?"

    She sat up and looked up at him.

    "Damn, I think I twisted my ankle on that stupid root. Honestly, aren't these paths supposed to be taken care of? Whoever gets paid to do that should lose their job."

    "I agree. Can you stand on it at all?"

    The girl rolled her eyes.

    "We'll see, won't we? Think you could possibly give me a hand?"

    The man smiled and held out a hand to assist her. She stood slowly and tested her ankle to see how bad it was. Smiling, she said, "It's not all that bad. I think I can walk home without a problem. Thanks for helping me. Now what did you say your name was?"

    The man smiled back, only it wasn't a friendly smile at all.

    "Oh, I didn't say. My name is Henry, but you are not going to need to remember it for very long."

     Confusion and a little bit of fear crept into the girl's eyes.

    "W-w-why is that?" she stammered.

    Henry's smile grew wider and became less of a smile and more of a sneer.

    "That would be because you are not going to live all that much longer. So it would be quite pointless for you to bother with such trivial details. Would you not agree?"

    Now the fear on the girl's face was genuine. She struggled to get her arm free from his grasp.

    "Now, must you put up a fuss? It will only make it worse for you. Wouldn't you prefer it to be painless and quick? Besides, you and I both know that you are not going to be able to run anywhere even if you did manage to somehow get free."

    The girl ceased struggling when the realization that the man was right hit her. Though the thought didn't comfort her in the least. Either way, she knew she wasn't getting home tonight.

    The man pulled out a long knife from inside his jacket.

    "I am most truly sorry if this hurts at all, but as I have not heard any complaints in the past, I really do not think it will be a problem."

    With practiced efficiency, the man slit the girl's throat before letting her go.

    The last thing the girl saw before she crumbled into a heap on the ground was the man silently laughing as he rifled through her notebook and then darkness took her.
~Erica~

"if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you"
http://www.tengaged.com/user/xofelf/thanks

Offline RayFrost

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Re: Darkness
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2009, 07:13:10 pm »
What kind of feedback do you want? I could give grammatical feedback, or story feedback...

Offline Erica

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Re: Darkness
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2009, 08:23:27 pm »
well anything you would like to say on it.... but actually, this isn't the revised version, this is the original draft, i think i should put up my finished copy... so hold on while i do that, and then you can compare them, sound good?
~Erica~

"if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you"
http://www.tengaged.com/user/xofelf/thanks

Offline RayFrost

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Re: Darkness
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2009, 11:00:14 pm »
sure

Offline Erica

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Re: Darkness
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2009, 05:22:27 pm »
finally... here's the final copy:

The teen-aged girl sat on a bench in the middle of the park. She looked to be about thirteen or fourteen. Her shoulder-length hair hid her face from view as she sat writing in a large spiral notebook. The few people still in the park this close to night, passed by without a single glance at her. No one seemed to even notice her existence. Or at least, so it appeared.
There she is again, the man thought. Everyday, she sits in the same exact spot writing in that notebook.
From his hiding spot within the poorly trimmed bushes, he watched her silently.
A stick cracked loudly and the girl looked up, startled out of her reverie. Her cheaply dyed black hair fell out of her face revealing a pair of startled blue eyes. They quickly darted from side to side in an attempt to locate the source of the sound.
The man tensed in apprehension. Then from the bushes a good five feet to the left of where he was secluded, a squirrel scampered out and up a tree. The girl relaxed and went back to writing in her notebook.
Fuck, that was a little too close for comfort, the man thought. The past three months of following her would have been for nothing if I was caught now.
Waiting for the darkness of the night to fall so that the girl would get up to leave, was one of the hardest things that the man had done in a long time.

Once he had decided upon a target, and when to act, the waiting right before it actually happened was the worst. It had been nearly 2 years since the last time, so it was that much more agonizing.

Merely to pass the time, the man took an assessment of his surroundings. As it was mid-June, all the trees were green and full creating a patchwork of shadow and light across the ground. The closer to nightfall it was, the more indistinguishable the differences in the shadow and light became.
As happened many times before, when it finally became too dark to see to write, the girl got up and started walking down the path to the more secluded part of the park where the paths were longer and less taken care of.
Why is that young innocent girls never seem to know not to wander off alone, in the woods, after dark? he wondered. Not that I'm complaining...
Honestly, he didn't know why but it always seemed to work to his advantage. He just had to make his move carefully when the opportunity presented itself.
Ahead of him, the girl stumbled over a gnarled tree root and fell, dropping her notebook and sending her mechanical pencil flying.
A chance just like that, he thought and smiled slightly.
The man walked towards the girl with a look of concern on his face. Picking up her notebook and pencil, he asked, "Are you alright?"
She sat up and looked up at him.
"Damn, I twisted my ankle on that stupid root. Honestly, aren't these paths supposed to be taken care of? This is a state park after all. Whoever gets paid for that should seriously lose their job."
"I agree. Can you stand on it at all?"
The girl rolled her eyes.
"We'll see, won't we? Do you think you could possibly give me a hand?"
The man smiled and held out a long-fingered hand to assist her. She stood slowly and gingerly put weight on her injured ankle.

Smiling, she said, "It's not all that bad. I think I can walk home without a problem. Thanks for helping me up. Now, what did you say your name was?"
The man smiled back, only it was no longer a smile more than it was a sneer.
"Oh, I didn't say. My name is Henry, but you aren't going to need to remember it for very long."
Slight confusion and a small portion of fear crept into the girl's eyes.
"W-w-why is that?" she stammered.
Henry's sneer, for that was what it was, became wider and more menacing.
"That would be because you aren't going to live too awful much longer. So there's not really much point in you knowing, now is there?"
The girl's face flooded with pure genuine fear. Henry could feel her trying to free her arm from his iron grip.
"Now, must you put up a fuss? Not that I entirely mind, but it will only make it worse for you. Wouldn't you prefer it to be painless and quick?"

Henry watched her eyes grow wider with panic as she struggled again to get free. She opened her mouth as if to scream, and Henry clamped his other hand firmly over her mouth.

“What good would that do you? You and I both know that there's no one near enough to hear you anyways. But, even still, none of that or I will make it that much more painful for you.”
Realization dawned on the girl's face and Henry reveled in her look of utter despair and hopelessness.
From the inside pocket of his jacket, he pulled out the long knife he'd been fantasizing about using all evening.
Henry gazed at the deadly-looking blade with a look of almost pure lust in his eyes before pressing it to her neck lightly.

“Oh, that's right.. I was almost forgetting something. I need a souvenir of some sorts.”

Removing the knife from her neck, Henry takes a lock of her hair and cuts it off.

“Now, that's everything. Please let me know if this hurts. I would hate to be the one to cause anyone extreme amounts of pain.”
With practiced efficiency, he slits her throat before letting her drop in a heap to the ground.
Opening the front cover of her notebook, Henry sees the name Lizbeth written in curly purple letters on the front page.

“Ah, Lizbeth. Such a pretty name. It's a shame that you will never hear it again. Quite a pity.”

Tossing the notebook carelessly to the ground, Henry watches Lizbeth's life pour out of her. Paying close attention to the dimming of her blue eyes, so that he knows the exact moment when the darkness takes her.
~Erica~

"if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you"
http://www.tengaged.com/user/xofelf/thanks