Author Topic: Just plain funny stuff.  (Read 3330 times)

Offline Corthos

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Just plain funny stuff.
« on: June 20, 2008, 01:38:40 pm »
This thread is for all the random funny crap you find that cant fit anywhere else here.

15 new words

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an ET-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2008, 12:27:25 am by windshipper »

Offline Corthos

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Re: Just plain funny stuff.
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2008, 01:44:36 pm »
New Computer Viruses You Should Know About

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

PETA VIRUS: Turns all your files loose on the network.

SPOTTED OWL VIRUS: Effectively eliminates several hundred batch-files that are important only to a small region of the network.

KKK VIRUS: Turns your color monitor to white (just white).

ROBIN WILLIAMS VIRUS: So effective, other virii refuse to follow it.

WILLIAM SHATNER VIRUS: Will not become effective unless it can direct. Even then, it's not effective, but writes volumes of trash to your hard drive.

Offline Corthos

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Re: Just plain funny stuff.
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2008, 01:56:16 pm »
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip

Offline Caenus

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Re: Just plain funny stuff.
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2008, 06:13:00 pm »
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Oh, it's there . . . I just have yet to find the damn thing.
Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline Kmd4390

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Re: Just plain funny stuff.
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2008, 09:46:46 pm »
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

I've heard this used slightly differently several times.
The quote I know (and use) is "you're more confused than a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that ain't there."

I removed the racist part that is normally used for obvious reasons.
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