Pages: [1]   Go Down

Author Topic: Please, rip apart my Story.  (Read 6066 times)

Offline Morgul

  • GNE Founder
  • Godlike Fuzzy Dice
  • Grand Admiral
  • **********
  • Posts: 2086
  • Karma: +21/-4
  • Godlike Fuzzy Dice
    • View Profile
    • G33X Nexus Entertainment
Please, rip apart my Story.
« on: January 20, 2006, 01:40:37 pm »
Please, do me a favor, and rip my story to shreds. I posted Chapter one here:
http://forums.g33xnexus.com/index.php/topic,267

I want to get this ready to be sent to an editor.. and I need to make sure that it works. I want people to be mean, nasty, and edit the hell out of it. Tell me if I need to move sections around, remove sections, rewrod things. Tell me what's confusing, or doesn't flow. Tell me what holds your attention, and what makes you want to stop reading because it's boring. Please look over it with a harsh eye. Thanks!

--Chris
Logged
"Just because my math may tell lies doesn't mean that I don't understand the quantum mechanics of it all." --Caenus

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

"In the beginning there was nothing. And it exploded." --Terry Pratchett

Offline Caenus

  • Married Man
  • Concept Artist
  • Grand Admiral
  • ******
  • Posts: 2351
  • Karma: +5000/-1
  • That, I cannot do.
    • View Profile
    • Art Blog
Re: Please, rip apart my Story.
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2006, 02:52:14 pm »
When Caenus enters the story, don't use the name nearly as often.  Pronouns are your friend.
Logged
Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline Morgul

  • GNE Founder
  • Godlike Fuzzy Dice
  • Grand Admiral
  • **********
  • Posts: 2086
  • Karma: +21/-4
  • Godlike Fuzzy Dice
    • View Profile
    • G33X Nexus Entertainment
Re: Please, rip apart my Story.
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2006, 03:30:38 pm »
I use too many proper nouns. It's a bad habit.
Logged
"Just because my math may tell lies doesn't mean that I don't understand the quantum mechanics of it all." --Caenus

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

"In the beginning there was nothing. And it exploded." --Terry Pratchett

Offline Caenus

  • Married Man
  • Concept Artist
  • Grand Admiral
  • ******
  • Posts: 2351
  • Karma: +5000/-1
  • That, I cannot do.
    • View Profile
    • Art Blog
Re: Please, rip apart my Story.
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2006, 04:41:25 pm »
It's okay, I do it too.
Logged
Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline contingencyplan

  • Villain
  • Ivory-Tower Theorist
  • Admiral
  • *****
  • Posts: 977
  • Karma: +1/-0
  • Must I sin once, and repent forever?
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Please, rip apart my Story.
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2006, 02:45:01 am »
At least you didn't say "It's okay, Caenus does it too."

Then we'd either have to drug you or shoot you. I'd vote for the latter, personally, but either one works for me.
Logged
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 
    ~Robert Wilensky

It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong.
    ~GK Chesterton

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
    ~Blaise Pascal

Offline Caenus

  • Married Man
  • Concept Artist
  • Grand Admiral
  • ******
  • Posts: 2351
  • Karma: +5000/-1
  • That, I cannot do.
    • View Profile
    • Art Blog
Re: Please, rip apart my Story.
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2006, 10:43:06 am »
Heh, I contemplated it.

Eh, I've been shot before - I'll take the drugs.
Logged
Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline Morgul

  • GNE Founder
  • Godlike Fuzzy Dice
  • Grand Admiral
  • **********
  • Posts: 2086
  • Karma: +21/-4
  • Godlike Fuzzy Dice
    • View Profile
    • G33X Nexus Entertainment
Re: Please, rip apart my Story.
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2006, 11:21:19 am »
*imitates a waiter* Good choice. I'll bring those right out to you, sir.

:P
Logged
"Just because my math may tell lies doesn't mean that I don't understand the quantum mechanics of it all." --Caenus

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

"In the beginning there was nothing. And it exploded." --Terry Pratchett

Offline Caenus

  • Married Man
  • Concept Artist
  • Grand Admiral
  • ******
  • Posts: 2351
  • Karma: +5000/-1
  • That, I cannot do.
    • View Profile
    • Art Blog
Re: Please, rip apart my Story.
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2006, 06:53:38 pm »
SWEET!!!

Two yellows and a blue please.


(Yes, Caenus knows his barbiturates)
Logged
Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.
Pages: [1]   Go Up