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Author Topic: Short Read. Funny.  (Read 13631 times)

Offline Oceanus

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Short Read. Funny.
« on: January 12, 2006, 11:11:05 pm »
Found it on a forum and liked it.

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her
life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was
ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail.
None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to
find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your
dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no
legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in
bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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Offline Morgul

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2006, 11:22:48 pm »
I love it!
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Offline Oceanus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2006, 11:36:52 pm »
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Offline PieceMaker

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2006, 04:33:08 pm »
They're great!  :D
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Offline ryguy_1617

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2006, 05:27:42 pm »
Rofl...:D
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Offline Oceanus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2006, 08:45:20 pm »
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Offline Morgul

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2006, 11:40:59 pm »
HOLY SHIT! So THAT's what really happened on 9/11!!
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"Just because my math may tell lies doesn't mean that I don't understand the quantum mechanics of it all." --Caenus

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

"In the beginning there was nothing. And it exploded." --Terry Pratchett

Offline Caenus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2006, 01:38:23 am »
Hmmmm . . . DANGEROUSLY close to bad taste, but hilarious none the less.
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Offline contingencyplan

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2006, 02:09:11 am »
Quote from: Caenus on January 14, 2006, 01:38:23 am
Hmmmm . . . DANGEROUSLY close to bad taste, but hilarious none the less.

That's a good way of putting it.
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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 
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It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong.
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Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
    ~Blaise Pascal

Offline Caenus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2006, 09:18:05 am »
Heh, I keep thinking of Robin Williams.

"Why do we drop Pop Tarts on Afghanistan?  Well . . . they're a hashish smoking country.  And anyone who has been a 'friend of the hooka' will go: 'POP TARTS!! - we love you America!!'"
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Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline contingencyplan

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #10 on: January 14, 2006, 02:21:19 pm »
I LOVE Robin Williams. I assume that's from one of his standups - which one?
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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 
    ~Robert Wilensky

It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong.
    ~GK Chesterton

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
    ~Blaise Pascal

Offline Caenus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #11 on: January 14, 2006, 05:12:09 pm »
Live on Broadway.  2001.  IM me tonight and I'll file transfer it to you.  I have the whole concert in mpg.
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Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline contingencyplan

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #12 on: January 14, 2006, 05:34:58 pm »
Ah. I have that, somewhere... I just couldn't remember that part of it.
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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 
    ~Robert Wilensky

It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong.
    ~GK Chesterton

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
    ~Blaise Pascal

Offline Caenus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2006, 08:24:47 pm »
Yeah, well, if you can't find it - the 100 minute concert is about 520 megs. 
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Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline PieceMaker

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2006, 10:17:41 pm »
And with the bandwidth you're getting, he'll have it in about 4.5 hours. Or are you getting higher now?
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Offline Caenus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2006, 09:38:39 am »
???  I've had a decent bandwidth all along.  But yeah, for 500 megs it would probably take a few hours. 
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Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline [GoRC]STALION

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2006, 11:43:51 am »
Quote from: morgul on January 13, 2006, 11:40:59 pm
HOLY SHIT! So THAT's what really happened on 9/11!!
funny story thing...
but this quote... its killing my virgin ears... j/k i talk like that to... (or do i???)
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Offline Caenus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2006, 12:10:02 pm »
Psh . . . if that's what it takes to FUCK UP YOUR VIRGIN EARS then I suggest you find a cleaner forum ;D
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Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

Offline contingencyplan

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2006, 01:15:33 am »
I sometimes wonder about that, though - we'll likely be having kids on these forums. I think the forum has a language editor, but should we rely solely on that? I should put this in a separate thread, but later (and I can move posts over at will - nice things about being a forum admin). But do you think we should be cleaning up our language here?

Personally, I'm torn. I like the ability to express ourselves however we choose (within some modicum of reason), but at the same time, people will be reading these forums to get a picture of what we're like. So what do y'all think?
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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 
    ~Robert Wilensky

It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong.
    ~GK Chesterton

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
    ~Blaise Pascal

Offline Caenus

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Re: Short Read. Funny.
« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2006, 01:49:12 am »
I say put a disclaimer on the front page.  If the kid stumbles onto it, it's his problem.
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Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.
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