G33X Nexus Entertainment

Writing => Short Stories => Topic started by: xofelf on March 01, 2009, 12:22:10 pm

Title: Darkness
Post by: xofelf on March 01, 2009, 12:22:10 pm
here's a story i wrote recently....any feedback would be wondrous

    The teen-aged girl sat on a bench in the middle of the park. Her long hair hid her face from view as she sat writing in a large spiral notebook. People passed by without a single glance at her.  No one seemed to even notice her existence. Or at least, so she thought.

    What a perfect target, the man thought.

    From his hiding spot in the bushes, he watched her silently.

    A stick cracked loudly and the girl looked up, startled out of her reverie. Her cheaply dyed black hair fell out of her face. The feeling of being watched overwhelmed her.

    From the bushes a squirrel scampered out and up a tree. The girl relaxed and went back to writing in her notebook.

    Thank God for that squirrel, I thought that I would be seen and that would ruin everything that I have planned, the man thought.

    Waiting for the darkness of the night to fall and for the girl to get up, was one of the hardest things that the man had ever done. It didn't help that if he moved an inch, the bush would move or a stick would crack and the girl would look up again. Panic engulfed him every time that she looked in his direction. He silently pleaded to whatever being looked on in favor on him, that he wouldn't be seen. The only way that he could be seen was from the bench if you looked at just the right angle. But his luck seemed to hold and she didn't see him.

    When it finally became too dark to see to write, the girl got up and started walking down the path to the more secluded part of the park.

    The man didn't know why she was headed in that direction.

    Didn't young girls know not to wander off alone after dark? he wondered to himself.

    It could be that there were more lights there so she could continue writing or maybe she lived on the other side of the park. Honestly, he didn't know but it was working to his advantage. He just had to make his move carefully when the opportunity presented itself.

   Ahead of him, the girl stumbled over a root and fell, dropping her notebook and sending her pencil flying.

    A chance like that, he thought and smiled inwardly.

    The man walked towards the girl with a look of concern on his face. Picking up her notebook and pencil, he asked, "Are you alright?"

    She sat up and looked up at him.

    "Damn, I think I twisted my ankle on that stupid root. Honestly, aren't these paths supposed to be taken care of? Whoever gets paid to do that should lose their job."

    "I agree. Can you stand on it at all?"

    The girl rolled her eyes.

    "We'll see, won't we? Think you could possibly give me a hand?"

    The man smiled and held out a hand to assist her. She stood slowly and tested her ankle to see how bad it was. Smiling, she said, "It's not all that bad. I think I can walk home without a problem. Thanks for helping me. Now what did you say your name was?"

    The man smiled back, only it wasn't a friendly smile at all.

    "Oh, I didn't say. My name is Henry, but you are not going to need to remember it for very long."

     Confusion and a little bit of fear crept into the girl's eyes.

    "W-w-why is that?" she stammered.

    Henry's smile grew wider and became less of a smile and more of a sneer.

    "That would be because you are not going to live all that much longer. So it would be quite pointless for you to bother with such trivial details. Would you not agree?"

    Now the fear on the girl's face was genuine. She struggled to get her arm free from his grasp.

    "Now, must you put up a fuss? It will only make it worse for you. Wouldn't you prefer it to be painless and quick? Besides, you and I both know that you are not going to be able to run anywhere even if you did manage to somehow get free."

    The girl ceased struggling when the realization that the man was right hit her. Though the thought didn't comfort her in the least. Either way, she knew she wasn't getting home tonight.

    The man pulled out a long knife from inside his jacket.

    "I am most truly sorry if this hurts at all, but as I have not heard any complaints in the past, I really do not think it will be a problem."

    With practiced efficiency, the man slit the girl's throat before letting her go.

    The last thing the girl saw before she crumbled into a heap on the ground was the man silently laughing as he rifled through her notebook and then darkness took her.
Title: Re: Darkness
Post by: RayFrost on September 02, 2009, 07:13:10 pm
What kind of feedback do you want? I could give grammatical feedback, or story feedback...
Title: Re: Darkness
Post by: xofelf on September 02, 2009, 08:23:27 pm
well anything you would like to say on it.... but actually, this isn't the revised version, this is the original draft, i think i should put up my finished copy... so hold on while i do that, and then you can compare them, sound good?
Title: Re: Darkness
Post by: RayFrost on September 02, 2009, 11:00:14 pm
Title: Re: Darkness
Post by: xofelf on November 05, 2009, 05:22:27 pm